Happy Birthday, Ann (or reflections from a refugee from China)

Did you want the next section from the chapter on "Mourning"? The next section deals with the cross-cultural sidebar describing some of our experiences observing mourning in other cultures.

Book excerpt:

BLESSED

Eight Steps to Emotional, Relational, Spiritual Wholeness:
The Healing Power of the Beatitudes

Chapter 2

Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Cross cultural sidebar

Mourning

In the cultures we have lived, there are differing expressions of mourning. In Taiwan, it was usual to stage a big parade for the deceased with all of the things they might enjoy, including foods, pole dancers, and movies. Hired mourners would at times wail for the duration of the parade. Ancestors need to be attended to and placated.

However, I always said that I want to be buried in Zambia. Mourning is extravagant mourning. For three days the whole village grinds to a halt. No one washes, or even hardly changes clothes. Everyone that can, goes and lives in the house or yard of the family that is mourning. There is wailing, crying, even self-harm at times. Food is cooked in big pots and distributed to everyone present because no one is at home taking care of their own needs. Everyone sleeps on mats where ever they finally fall, exhausted. At the end of three days, the funeral service takes place. Everyone walks by the coffin, and often faints or acts as if possessed as they pass by. There are strong young men stationed at the end of the coffin to carry out those who are overcome. At the burial, the family members often throw themselves into the grave and need to be rescued. Have I given you a picture of the extravagance of the mourning? Then after 3 days of everyone exhausting themselves and expressing in whatever way possible their pain, the mourning is DONE. People pick up and go back to their daily lives. Now, of course, there is still pain, but there has been the purging of emotions that lets one feel relieved of some of the agony.

In Western culture we keep such a “stiff upper lip” that often it is years of stuffing down all of the pain involved with the loss of a loved one. Often we never allow ourselves to really mourn…and we continue to suffer for it. I am not saying that it is wrong to feel the pain for a long time, but I am questioning whether our current form of mourning for a loved one is really the most healthy.